To be a woman is to be suspended in a space between ‘whore’ and ‘prude,’ where our very existence revolves around our ‘performance.’ Exposure to societal pressures manipulates many into internalizing and replicating an ‘adequate’ sexuality. Whether this be in our behaviours or beliefs, we become imitations of the ‘ideal woman’ rather than an individual identity. In instances of self-determination, the lens of male pleasure corrupts any actions into demonstrations of our sexuality. As we wear school uniforms and chew gum, we are categorized by every person we encounter and then shamed for these supposed displays of sexuality. It is impossible for a woman to have casual sex or wear a tight dress to the bar without receiving social correction in the form of slut-shaming or harassment.
The idea of ‘sexual liberation’ of women arose from the collective frustration felt by women experiencing sexual violence and shaming. There is hardly a step-by-step handbook to sexual liberation, but many feminists agree that by removing performatism from sex, investing in the self, and rejecting the labels placed unto us, we are (in theory) free to express our sexuality in any form we so choose. Of course, there are various ways to define liberation.
Is liberation about learning not to care, learning to ignore, learning to enjoy, learning to vocalize, or something else entirely?
The era of feminism plays a role in this interpretation; second wave feminists understand liberation to be a fought-for privilege, while recent discussions by third-wave feminists question if the act of having sex in itself is a sufficient solution to toxic sexuality. This can be observed in the treatment of pop stars like Britney Spears, where calls to let them ‘express themselves’ and sing about the things they do in the bedroom have morphed into questions about the commodification of their sexuality. What was once a victory for women’s rights has now been appropriated to be a roadblock to further progress.
This appropriation was not adopted by the feminists outlining boundaries in their own sex lives and identities, but rather by a wider patriarchal society putting up barriers to progress and capitalizing on fake ‘sexual liberation.’
Toxic sexuality begins with the idea that sex, and therefore your sexual identity, has boundaries that make it ‘right’ or wrong.’ From there, any action
that implies ‘sex’ must be held under a magnifying glass and scrutinized. Since there is no consensus on what ‘good’ sexuality is, the label of ‘bad’ is frequently assigned as a reminder of the ways in which sex is shameful and crude. Women have a lower ability to express acceptable sexuality, but are held to a higher standard of performance when they do act sexually. Despite being barred from feeling pleasure, we must know exactly what ways it should be provided and we must always provide it correctly. While we must have the hidden talents of a porn star, no one should be able to guess it by knowing us. Women are as sexual as others judge them to be, but with a hypersexual lens, all innocent actions are perceived as purposefully erotic.
If you are expected to have sex, can you still participate in it while rejecting those same expectations?
Back in 2014, Rachel Hills did a piece for Time Magazine examining the longstanding debate on modesty vs immodesty and the little progress made in the past 100 years in finding the ‘appropriate’ level of sexuality. It’s depressing to see how little has changed in the 10 years since its publication. Some suggested that sexual liberation begins with refusing to express sexuality and believe that modesty can cure hypersexualization. Others argued modesty only feeds into sexual repression and that women should be embracing hypersexuality as the healthier alternative. Either way, this removes the individual choice and invites the woman to put on a display for the masses’ critique. Not only does this contradict the original message of sexual freedom, but the demand for a uniform ‘amount’ of sexuality discourages women from exploring the full range of their sexuality. Sexual liberation is not necessarily the normative sexual experience; sex is different for different identities and lived experiences. Without healthy exploration, sexuality becomes exclusive to the able-bodied and heteronormative.
Sexual liberation also acts as an excuse for sexual exploitation; young women are pressured into expressing their sexuality by predatory men who pretend that their intentions are about ‘freedom,’ and many acceptable forms of desire rely on violence against women as a source of pleasure for men. It is draining to separate genuine sexual expression from sexual performance. In theory, it must be purposeful, independent, and self-fulfilling, but in practice it is rartely any of the three.
In contrast to women’s contributions, men’s historical role as the perpetrators and benefactors of female oppression bars them from participating in this revolution. Most men are eager to categorize ‘prudes’ and ‘whores’ but are reluctant to admit their exemption from these standards. When men are permitted to dictate the boundaries of a woman’s sexuality, through media, relationships, work, or otherwise, it strips the woman of her individuality. The concept of sexual freedom is already so frequently watered down to appease the male palate that any demand for meaningful contribution from men will solely result in the reintroduction of patriarchal values.
This should not to be misunderstood as a criticism of sexuality, but rather a question of how quickly the idea of the sexually liberated woman becomes exclusively associated with the (right) sexual woman. This article also deliberately vague on what a woman’s sexuality should be or how it should be expressed. This is because the only reasonable conclusion is that women should approach their sexuality with curiosity and warmth, regardless of the wider preconceived notions of healthy sexuality or ‘obligations’ to feminism. It is not about men’s opinions or the patriarchal values they parrot, just like sexual liberation never has been.
Originally published in the F(eminist)-Word in 2022.
Simone Brown 